Jack K.
Photography by Jack K.
It’s important to note that Jack’s letter discusses the topic of suicide and suicide-related loss. If you think that reading about this will be distressing for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, you can read a letter on a different topic by returning to the Boston College home page.
If you’re reading this, it is okay to not be okay.
Grief entered my life not long ago, though not in the way people typically expect loss to happen. Nothing in this world could’ve prepared me for the night that my mother walked into my dorm room, waking me up to inform me that my father had taken his own life.
Following a Parkinson’s diagnosis, my father struggled greatly with his mental health. What was once a quiet burden quickly grew into something unmanageable. My father’s mental illness became visible in ways that frightened me, making it impossible to ignore.
The year between his diagnosis and passing was one of high alert. I was always monitoring him, listening to his struggles, and wondering what the next day might bring. I loved my dad through that year as fully as I knew how, though, it still wasn’t enough to prevent what was happening inside of him. This became one of the hardest truths to carry — that someone can be deeply loved, deeply supported, and still be in unbearable pain.
I have learned to understand that my dad was more than his illness, despite it taking up so much space toward the end. If you’re reading this, know that what you’re feeling matters, even if it is hard to name. My dad’s story did not end the way that I had anticipated; there are so many questions that remain unanswered. Why did he do it? What could I have done differently to help prevent it? Though these questions will not resolve into answers, it has become clear that mental illness is not a lack of love or a weakness, but something that must be taken seriously — to talk about it, to protect it, and to treat it with the same care as we do physical health.
Most importantly, if you’re reading this as someone who has lost a parent, family member, friend, or loved one (especially to suicide), know that your grief doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s to be valid. It is OK not to be OK.
Despite the loss of my father, I am still here.
Still holding loss and love together.
Still learning how to live in a world that changed too suddenly.
Jack K., Boston College
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