Margaux G.
Photography by Mason Schlopy
If you're reading this, you will find peace.
When you feel like you have no control of your life, you start to question everything. Am I doing this right? Am I making my parents proud? Do my friends really like me? Many of us have had these questions come across our minds and we cannot make them stop. It gets worse and you start spiraling into deeper thoughts.
In April 2019, my life took a turn. It was the first time I had ever contemplated suicide, it was the first time I really had lost myself. I didn’t know how to think anymore. It seemed like everything was out of my control and I was suffocating. I did not want to keep going. I tried medication, I tried therapy and I felt like nothing was working for me. For the next five years, I was going to go through the hardest mental challenge I had ever experienced. I never wanted to admit that I was hurting. I was scared of my mind, but more importantly, I was scared of being a burden. It was the battle of whether or not you should tell someone. It’s the back and forth in your mind, the never ending “Will I be a burden if I tell someone?” Because how do you tell your mom that you want to end your life? How do you tell your best friend you can’t keep living like this?
I started to shut the world out and I still sometimes revert back to these old tendencies. I thought that maybe it had just been high school, I will be happier in college, or so I thought. Everyone makes a big deal about how college will be “the best four years of your life.” However, I felt they could not have been further from the truth. I kept telling myself “if these are the best years of my life, then why am I still going?” I felt lost and I felt stuck. My mentality was still at the lowest of lows. The panic attacks would not stop and I did not want to leave my room. I thought this was going to be the case forever. I still feel the ups and downs, I still feel the uncertainty and depression.
However, I have made peace with being alive. I have found activities I enjoy, I surround myself with great people and I find happiness in the little things. It may seem like a cliche, but it makes a difference. When you feel like you’re at your lowest, find peace and joy in the small things. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and one day your depression or anxiety will not own your entire mind.
When you find yourself feeling like you again, embrace it, even if it’s just for the moment.
Margaux G., Syracuse University
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