Ava J.
Photography by Emma Joseph
If you’re reading this, be your own best friend
How often do you think about the type of relationship you have with yourself? Is it mostly positive or mostly negative? Do you make yourself laugh? Maybe you’re good at comforting others, but how good are you at comforting yourself? In moments when you’re alone, do you feel lonely? Or is having yourself enough? And if not enough, why?
I’m not sure about you, but I never considered this concept of building a relationship with yourself until recently. Sure, I’ve thought about myself – how I looked, how I acted and reacted, how I treated those around me, how I thought others might perceive me. But thinking about yourself or just trying to improve yourself is not the same as being connected to yourself.
What exactly does it mean to be “connected” to yourself anyway? In my opinion, it all comes down to getting to know yourself better, specifically who you are outside of your relationship with anyone else. For instance, for a long time, I’ve defined myself as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a caretaker, etc. All of these things are true, and I am proud of that. But is this where all my worth lies? Are these relationships the only place that I matter?
Often, when we continuously and subconsciously seek validation from our relationships to boost our image of self-worth (think parents, best friends, significant others, etc), it’s because we feel some sense of uncertainty within ourselves. It’s almost as if the validation from others is the “proof” of what you ought to already believe about yourself.
An example of this can be a simple quality like being caring. You believe yourself to be a caring person, and you do things to show others that you care about them and keep their best interest in mind, simply doing so makes you feel good and gives you a sense of purpose. Then in return, when an individual expresses gratitude for your caring behavior, you feel even better because they have validated the existence of this quality outside your perception. But what happens if one individual doesn't see/appreciate your actions as being caring? Is their perception of you what determines whether you are caring or not? You might argue it’s worth examining, to which I would probably agree, but if you know yourself well enough, then you would know yourself to be a caring person, and this person’s reception should not completely convince you that you are of lower worth than you once thought. The individual who thanked you for your caring behavior shouldn’t be the main reason you feel worthy. Your sense of worth needs to come first and foremost from yourself.
Please don’t misunderstand me – I am not arguing that relationships with others aren’t all that important or necessary for feelings of worthiness. I believe relationships with others are everything, and that they are the reason we are here. I am a very relationship-oriented person, which can be such a good thing! We ought to feel connected to others, whether it is appreciating a fun classmate of ours or having an intimate conversation with a close friend of many years. But all too often, we don’t notice the lack of connection within ourselves until it’s too late. If we started putting even half the effort into connecting with ourselves as we did for connecting with others, I think that not only would our self-esteem and resilience grow, but those very relationships with others that we value so much would expand in ways we can’t even imagine.
When you start to gain an appreciation for yourself outside of your relationship with others and outside of how anyone else might perceive you, that’s when you start to build a relationship with yourself. You’ll hopefully find that you can be your own biggest cheerleader, you can be the first “person” you go to when something goes wrong, and you can start to love yourself the way you would love your best friend. You deserve it.
Sincerely,
Ava J., Wake Forest University
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Wake Forest on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Wake Forest students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
